Below is a list of 10 signs that could mean you are a sex addict. I was often accused by women of being a selfish, lying asshole, or a total freak, and I was both of those things, but no one ever asked me if I might actually have a problem.
I write this list as a heterosexual man, though, this can also apply to women and LGBT individuals.
If you have none of the things on the list, good job. Go screw with impunity. If you have between one and three of these, check yourself and figure out what is going on, if you have more than three, you need to find someone to talk to, and you should probably do it soon.
1. You live a double life
This one is tricky. Maybe you just cheat all the time, and lie about where you are, and how you spend your money. That, in itself, doesn’t make you an addict. But, if you have sexual secrets that you refuse to share with anyone, or if somehow you figure out ways to spend Christmas with two different women (done it) then something is way, way off. Sex and your sexual proclivities are private, but if your whole life is going to go down the tubes if people know what you are REALLY up to, and you have to lie to everyone constantly just to stay afloat, then you have at least the beginnings of a problem.
2. You exploit others for sex
You’re probably a good guy. You’re kind to kids and animals, you cried when you watched The Lion King. When your girlfriend talks about her feelings you listen—I mean you really do.
But when it comes to sex, you could care less about people. They are just objects to use to get off, or toys to play with. You don’t care what happens to them when you are done with them, and you will do anything to get them to do what you want.
3. Your life is constantly in crisis
Because sex is your number one priority, everything else is always totally messed up. When you are at work, you spend the majority of your time trying to get your boss to fuck you, once you succeed, you try to get that cute temp to meet you out for drinks. Once you start banging her, you try for the woman in the cubicle across from yours.
If you manage to stay employed, you are constantly broke, and you get two credit cards your wife doesn’t know about so you can keep up the appearances you need to with your girlfriends.
Everything from school, to work, to money, is secondary to feeding your addiction.
4. You’re preoccupied with sex
I don’t mean this in a “Wow, look at that chick’s ass!” kind of way. I mean, you can’t concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes without going back into your place of fantasy. Or if you aren’t fantasizing, you are planning your next move. And if you aren’t planning your next move, you are having sex. Which then makes you feel ashamed, so to combat that you go right back into fantasy.
5. You have sex without regard to potential consequences
You’re out of control. Your wife is upstairs and you are banging her best friend on the couch. It isn’t enough to have sex with a co-worker; you have to do it on your boss’s desk. You just spent your mortgage payment at the strip club, or you just gave your credit card number to your dominatrix.
If you are doing things that are going to screw you over in the future, and you KNOW they are going to screw you over in the future, then your sex life has crossed the line and is now officially a problem.
6. Your kink needs to be fed more and more
Some people are into some odd stuff, some aren’t. There are a myriad of different things that people do to get off, and whether or not you like to be tied up, or walk your girlfriend on a leash isn’t the issue. What is the issue, is if the kink you have becomes your whole scene, and you need to go deeper and deeper into the world to get off. What can start off as fun, can wind up as something deeply destructive down the road.
7. You masturbate all the time
And I do mean all the time. You do it in the morning, you do it on your lunch break, and you do it before you go to sleep. I would sometimes even masturbate right after sex—with my partner passed out next to me. It’s just a sign that there are some issues, not a judgement. Do what you do. But if you have some of these other signs and you are beating off 20 to 30 times a week, then you’re a sex addict.
8. Your relationships are always messed up
The key word here is “always.” I always knew my relationships would end because I did something insane related to sex. It was just a matter of time before I would do something totally off the charts, get caught at it, and have to move on. It wasn’t like I learned a lesson. It was a lifestyle. This isn’t “Oh, I got caught cheating and my girlfriend dumped me.” It is that you are always cheating; you know you’re going to get caught, and you can’t stop.
9. You feel powerless
You can’t stop acting out. You try to stop, but you lose everything. Little by little, you lose everything. You keep on going until it’s all gone, until you are lying in a corner in the fetal position, until you feel like dying. Try not to get here. Go talk to someone you trust.
10. You hate yourself
Who knows, you could always be a sociopath. But, if you aren’t, and you are going through life hurting other people and destroying yourself, you are going to start disliking yourself quite a bit. I know I did. And the worst part—I was so sure, so entirely sure, that if I told anyone who I was, and the things that I did, they would hate me, too.
If after reading this you think you might be a sex addict, talk to someone you trust. If you don’t have someone you trust, talk to a professional. It isn’t easy to get help, unless you live in an urban area, you aren’t going to find someone that has any sort of specialisation in it. But that isn’t a reason, or an excuse, to keep acting this way.